i almost gave up

---fresh start---

*deep sigh*

Today I stumbled upon one of my dad’s new cds (unopened of course- it seems he gets the excitement from doing the actual purchasing, but not the listening- which works out well for me). It is from this unlikely source, a well-known Christian musician, that brought much encouragement to my spirit today. His cd is filled with psalms of deep mourning and hurt yet through his pain he shares his hope in a faithful God. That’s exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.

Over the past few months, I reached a point where I was just about to give up on God.

What was the point?

Was it really worth it?

Why do I feel like a one girl revolution?

Screw it all.

My prayers (when I got around to it) kinda sounded like this:

“Dear God, I feel hopeless and confused. Help. Love, Melody”

or..

“Dear God, I know I’m suppose to believe in you no matter what circumstances I’m in, but I’m not sure about all this anymore. Please help, if you have time. Love, Melody”

*

Have you ever reached that point in your Christian life? When you’re just so exhausted in every way that you feel like giving up? But then you realize that to abandon the Walk you’ve put your whole heart and life into would take even MORE energy that you don’t have? And so you get stuck. And you break down and cry a lot. Because you know it’s soaked into the deepest marrow of your being. But you just can’t do it anymore. You’re not really moving forward, but you can’t move back. It’s mind bogglingly frustrating!

*

Church feels pointless. Because the whole time you’re sitting in the cushy chair/rock hard pew and you feel nothing. You hear nothing. You start to sit back and observe all the people going through their motions from an out-of-body perspective. The people, the place, the whole thing looks crazy strange if you do that.

People who call themselves Christians are just people with faith who live with one foot in the world. Day to day life for them is like being a human yoyo. Are they really happy? Do I really wanna be that too? Do I want to play both worlds? And if I’m honest, I don’t- but I feel stuck- so I just break down and cry. Because I know I need to move forward, but I’m not strong enough to pick myself up and do it.

It feels like a dreamlike state. I’m just floating along… turning off the alarm at 4:50AM and beginning another day. Might as well, can’t sleep anyway. All I wanna do is curl up and sleep because that’ll stop the spiral of thoughts…but I can’t even sleep every day. Deep sleep only happens every other day. And so I look forward to those days.

My phone would ring sometimes. Do I have motivation to answer the phone call right now? Sometimes I did; sometimes I didn’t. Do I wanna talk to someone? Yes- But No at the same time. It only made me sound like a directionless, confused person which I was keenly aware of already. Why drum all the thoughts and confusion up with another friend? I didn’t have any answers to my questions.

Life was too hard and I just couldn’t fight for it anymore. Even in the midst of it, I knew it was Satan trying to drag me down. I’d try to tell myself, “Well Melody, if things are so difficult right now and you really feel like Satan’s working overtime in the discouragement department- maybe you’re doing something right? Satan doesn’t waste his time on complacent Christians.” Even though I’d want to give up, God kept sending me internal reminders like these & Scripture verses.

*

A turning point. I finally commissioned a lot of people to start praying, and slowly things got better. And by “better” I mean the wind of hope got caught in my sails again. Still don’t have many answers. Took a little visit to Minneapolis to see my friends, and I was reminded that people who care about God DO exist. Katie’s words came back to me, “Mel, no fleeting worldly pleasure is worth losing the presence of God in your life.”

Another friend shared some thoughts from her morning sermon, “Be the kind of Christian that is living your life so brilliantly for Christ that you stand out and SHINE. That way, when Christ returns He doesn’t have to squint through the grime of the world to find you because you’re shining so brightly He recognizes you immediately. He can reach down and pick you up and out.” Even though it’s difficult and you may feel alone at some or many points during the Walk. (Thanks, Cyndy :-) I need to be a Christian like the 12 Disciples who were a part of the Society of the Unashamed.

Also- Psalm 25 & 26 & 27... a good read.

*

And then the numbness melted away, and I cried again. Because I knew deep in my soul that was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I had to be that woman. That’s why God put me here.

*

So I went back home to Wisconsin and was surprised by a note in the mail from a dear friend. The note was started in November and finally mailed to me in January. It was filled with God’s wise truths to me. His words. Key words like: WISDOM, TEMPTATION, PERSEVERANCE with a whole lotta Scripture.

And I’m so thankful it was mailed in January, after my numbness melted away.

*

And thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for writing these lyrics from your heart:

I am broken, I am bleeding/ I’m scared and I’m confused/ But You are faithful, yet, You are faithful/ I am weary in believing/ God please help my unbelief/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I’ll sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ You are faithful, You are faithful/ When You give and when You take away/ Even then still Your name is faithful/ You are faithful/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You are faithful/ I am waiting for the rescue/ That I know is sure to come/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ And I’ve dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on/ ‘Cause You are faithful, God, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I will sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ When I cannot have the answer/ That I’m wanting to demand/ I’ll remember you are God/ And everything is in Your hands/ With your hands You put the sun and moon and stars up in the sky/ For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on the cross to die/ And You are faithful/ Yes, You are faithful/ When you give, when you take away even then/ Great is Your faithfulness/ Great is Your faithfulness/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You’re faithful

presence of God

Sermon Notes from The Salvage Yard on July 28, 2009

These fell out of my much-neglected devotional book today and reminded me of some heavenly insights...
Passage: Genesis 40
Character: Joseph's life after arriving in Egypt
Subject: The Presence of God
The story: The dream life of the cupbearer and the baker

Some thoughts:
- The presence of God on Joseph led to everything he touched being blessed.
- But- the presence of God in my life also means trials, temptation, and suffering.
- God allowed Joseph to interpret both dreams of the cupbearer and the baker. They were similar.
- The culture was spiritually aware, so dreams were used to communicate a message.
- GOD speaks to us in a way that shows we need each other.
- Joseph was doing everything right from the time he stepped in Egypt BUT everything was going wrong.
- Is the presence of God in my life worth it? Worth the uphill struggle? Because even people with incredible willpower will give up. BUT if I cultivate the presence of God in my life, I can keep going.
- Intimacy with God makes doing life worth it.

These thoughts were perfectly timed reminders that even when I am tempted to run off and sin, this would be forsaking the presence of God in my life. A friend named Katie reminded me a while ago that the fleeting pleasure of the world is not worth breaking my fellowship with God. My sinful actions would only bring pleasure for a moment, but sacrificing intimacy with God is never a risk worth taking.

put a little boogie in it

I took a brisk walk today along the beautiful bluff trail at Lions Den Gorge Nature Preserve. A gorgeous slice of nature overlooking Lake Michigan just 1 mile down the road from my parent's casa. It was a dreary, gray day with a comfortable Fall air temperature, and it wasn't raining (or snowing for that matter). I walked and prayed and admired the smell of decaying leaves. I stopped to watch the small, subtle movements in the pond water to see if I could catch a glimpse of any frog eyes surfacing in the slightest to check out the human in his territory. I passed many pet owners on their usual animal walking route...some of them shuffling a long out of a sense of drudgery. I ended up sitting on a piece of smoothed-over driftwood on the edge of the Lake- just listening to the waves for a bit. It was therapeutically peaceful. It was at this point that I realized my tissue fell out of my pocket somewhere along the bluff path. I sighed and dabbed at my leaky nose with my hand. I entertained a random thought (I like to call this "sermon aftertaste") considering the meaning of worship and how it works with the word "worthship" before heading back up the bluff.
I spent the remainder of the walk grabbing invisible spider webs off my face and thinking to myself, "I was just here like 15 minutes ago. How could the spiders have reloaded and jumped back n forth between these trees THIS MANY TIMES?!" I was nearing the end of my hike when I suddenly had a large sneeze...probably that crazy spider web stuff triggered the ol' sneeze. Just then, I looked down and to my delight & surprise I had happened upon my half-used tissue nestled in the wood chip bed.
This was providence.
And a good start to the day.
I reached down and used it, then promptly found the trash.
.......................................................................................The End

new kid on the block

i write as the accordion & trumpet dronings of DeVotchKa play on in the background. I appreciate inspiring tunes.

The overly friendly cooks at my new job (the BC) keep asking me if I'm from Chicago.
(Apparently, it is not unusual for employees to travel between Milwaukee and Chicago accounts. I find this ludicrous as the constant traffic in combination with my road rage would eventually get me committed.) Secretly, I find it quite flattering that I don't seem like a Milwaukee-ite to the outside world. I think I'm urban Minnesotan at my core. That's when I discovered the grand world outside of my mid-size suburban life. The comments got me thinking, though. Perhaps I will never find a way to fit in around here and be totally at peace. Does Chicago beckon my name?

How am I doing these days?
I'm confused.
I'm homesick.
I feel lost.
It doesn't seem like God is around.

This is just me writing openly, honestly. Some might criticize my apparent doubt. But relax people, it's just a feeling. I know we're not suppose to trust those. I can give you the correct theological counterpoint til I'm blue in the face, but just let me say what I feel. Okay?

Even though I don't sense God around, I know His fingerprints have been showing up in my life. He's provided two jobs for me. I've met some intriguing people...even a guy named Bryan who is a woman named Asia by night. God has been providing for my needs day by day. I'm fortunate to have two parents who are willing to put up with me- for as long as I need to stay. Not to mention, the amazing support Emili and Jon have been in my life. Their friendship and proximity after 6 years of distance are gifts to me. I do have some kickbutt brothers and sisters around here too ( Jennifer & Andy, Timothy, Danny & Desiree).

It reminds me of a Christian Living book I read one time Far From Home by Joseph Stowell. In it, the author writes something to this effect, Our heart will never be truly at rest until it is at home with the Lord. I know I'm only 25, but I think I'm ready to die now. Living life is too hard. There are too many decisions. Too much confusion. Relational strain and stress to deal with all the time. I'm over it.
Then I'm reminded of the Apostle Paul and how much he desired to be at home with the Lord but he asked God to keep him on earth to be used as long as God needed him. He went through some pretty tough stuff, and God kept bringing him through. Guess he wasn't finished with old Paul, yet.
Or what about that Rachel girl from Columbine. She asked God to use her life for His glory, and God allowed Rachel's death to be the influence and example to millions of people.

What we do in life echos throughout eternity. I like that quote from Gladiator. No matter whether you last a long time or get to exit planet earth well before your prime- the impact of one life focused on Christ is potentially life changing.

Well, this blog certainly ended differently than I thought it would. Funny how a steady stream of thoughts when followed sequentially leads to a different conclusion.

morphing power

Many people have asked how Josh and I's relationship is going since we live in the same state now. I could say so much! It continues to morph and change in so many different ways as God keeps working in both our lives.

I usually just simplify it and tell people, "It's very different!" That isn't a bad thing. I think a relationship done primarily long distance can only grow so much by phone. Even when we did get to see each other every 6-8 weeks- there was pressure to maximize the time together because of the 15-20 hour window in a weekend. Just as quickly as I came into town, I was leaving. Our relationship felt very much like a dream at times. I found myself questioning, "Is this REAL? Does this guy with a beautiful heart really exist?" I was happy/nervous to end the 9 months of long distance + move closer. But the strangest thing is that even though I'm about 300 miles closer to Josh- the remaining 27 miles between us is maddening. I still feel far away. It still feels like a long distance relationship...but it's not.

Isn't that so human?
We're rarely satisfied with the things in the present.

And so, the nights I leave his house, I try to remind myself of how it used to be and how good we have it now. And the words of my mother (and every other close, wise woman friend) come floating through my head...
"Enjoy the season you're in."
(I sigh to myself on the drive.)
And focus on thanking God for the now.

Oz and Lucky 12

I begin this blog with the exhale of a deep breathe. Oxygen is good for the brain. In the words of Dorothy, "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto." Oh how well Dorothy expressed my emotion to a little dog with long bangs. Sometimes life just takes us places we never could have imagined. We don't remember exactly how we got there, but we fall asleep and wake up in a land filled with magical colors, little people, and a witch with striped socks. *Kerplop* Here I am.
Allow me to personalize how my life is like the Wizard of Oz:
1. My plain black-and-white life begins to feel boring, and I wonder if just maybe I'm missing out on something.
2. The mean lady tries to make my life difficult and intolerable. ("The mean lady" defined as people, things, situations, change.)
3. I secretly wish to fall asleep and wake up in a brand new life away from the present struggles.
4. I do. Suddenly, change happens swiftly and entirely in a grandiose way. I am delighted, yet slightly confused by the sensory overload.
5. Even after meeting Glenda, the good witch, and being bedazzled by her glittery gown... I still feel completely out of my element.
6. Some nice friends join me on the stroll down the yellow brick road. We all have our weaknesses, but we seem to make it together. Even though I try to wander off on my own, and I fail- the friends catch up to me and save my patooty.
7. Bad stuff tries to prevent my progress and swoops down out of the sky. I get "caught up" for a while...even getting trapped in a castle, but my friends eventually rescue me. And the wicked witch melts with one little bucket of water. (Arguably, way too easy of a death for something so threatening.)
8. Right now, I'm just trying to get past the poppy field. Those crazy, gaseous poppies are trying to put me to sleep. I'm getting more sleepy with every step, and the colors are intoxicating. Seems easier to lie down & take a snooze...and press on another day.
9. I imagine just as I have overcome the obstacles before with the help of (God and) my friends, I will eventually reach the Emerald City and sweet talk my way past the gate keeper.
10. There I will see the horses that remind me of my grandma's old skool Christmas tree, and I will get a makeover. I'm hoping this little parallel has to do with a total makeover to my attitude and character and life in general. Because, those things have pretty much bit the big one.
11. Balloon man will leave without me.
12. But I'll be okay because of the crazy ruby slippers. I have had the thing I needed to get back "home" the whole time. But I've been so caught up in everything happening to me, having false hope in the Great and Powerful Oz that I've neglected to see the reality and the helping hand that God has been offering to me the whole time.

Self sufficiency, man. Why can't I just get over myself and let God do His thang? I'll tell you why- because I'm human. I fail. I surrender, and I take back. I doubt, and I cry my eyes out. But God keeps tilting my head back and making me look Him in the face. But I'll tell ya, even though I'm stuck in the intoxicating poppy field right now, I'm excited to know- when all this is done- I'm gonna click my heels and be able to say, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." ...the arms of the Father IS my home. No matter what my mailing address is.

movers and shakers

I'm about ready to throw a computer out the window. I want to upload pictures to share on here and on facebook, but nothing seems to be working for me today. Curses.

Well, it's official. I have been relocated to Grafton, WI, for about one week now. Alot of people have been asking me how it's going. Hmm. I always stop to consider the question in that moment because quite honestly it changes minute-by-minute sometimes.
I miss-
1. my friends in Minnesota.
2. my radio station- The Current.
3. working two jobs. (At this point, I'll take just ONE job- that'd be nice.)
4. Super Target...one stop shopping
5. having my own tv whenever i want to use it.
6. my rent-a-dog Scooter. (That crazy, senile pooch got to my heart.)
7. eating big lunches & small dinners.
8. FREEWAYS! I'm relearning to drive by paying attention to the speed limit signs because there are seriously small town cops lurking around every corner.
9. high speed internet without time restrictions. (thank you northwestern)
10. unique people wearing unique clothes with unique tattoos and piercings.

But being here... has it's perks.
I enjoy-
1. seeing Josh every other day or so. Knowing he's only a 30 minute car ride away brings joy 7 relief to my heart.
2. spending time with my family members even though it seeems that the pace of their lives has definitely picked up since I lived here last. (Not hard to do- since it's been quite a few years.)
3. the option in my day to take my 7 yr old nephew and 2 yr old niece to the park for a picnic lunch if I want to.
4. helping my mom with household tasks (ex. hanging laundry on the line, cleaning the kitchen)
5. my sister bringing me free lattes which she made at home.
6. being near Lake Michigan again.
7. having Emili and Michelle up the road or down the freeway. : )
8. running into old friends at the coffee shop and catching up on life.
9. church shopping. Can you believe it? I have one week under my belt, and I have found it to be quite enlightening as each body of believers is sure to have its defining qualities.
10. discovering all the ministries reaching out to milwaukee. Glad to know outreach is happening to the 8th poorest city in the nation.

Still a mix of emotions regarding this decision, but I'm reminded of God's words to me which brought me here. My friends (wherever they are) have been an encouragement to me as well. And so, I breathe in & out another double sigh and gear up for the next thing....whatever that is.