This past week I had the opportunity to dog sit for a couple little pups in St. Paul. Part of the arrangement was that I got to stay in their home- eat their food, drink their beverages as payment.
Here are a few reflections from my time:
10. Dogs and kids are similar but both have a major drawback. The positive for kids is- they can communicate with you better what they want. The positive for dogs is- they can be left at home for 8-9 hours so you can move about freely unhindered.
9. Dogs who are poorly potty trained are quite unpleasant to come home to because you will be hyper-vigilant to locate the warm pile of poo steaming in some hidden corner. The trick being that you must wait for it to cool before collecting and disposing of it.
8. We are living in wonderful technologically advanced times. The pinnacle of all inventions being, of course, the sleep number bed. I'm a 30-35, by the way.
7. House sitting is like trying on someone else's life for a while. Why yes, I will eat organically and have microwave meals that you can also heat in the oven that come in compostable containers. It allows you to try out new routines because you're in a new place- like drinking my morning java by a gas burning fireplace, instead of chugging it out of a travel mug on my commute.
6. Enjoyed their outdoor hot tub with my landlady and I got to think things like, "Is 103 degrees hot enough? That's the highest it goes."
5. I'm not really a bath-taking person. Probably due to the fact that I've been living in rental units for the past 10 years, and it's just creepy. However, something about Kohler appliances sparkling and shining; and though I was in a near strangers home- I took a bath in their 6 foot long tub...twice.
4. Lint rollers are the best friend to clean obsessed people. I used 4 sheets just about everyday on my clothes... Including my pajama pants- so I didn't get dog hair in the bed.
3. You never get use to picking up dog doo-doo around the house. Though I did start to ignore it in some places because I knew the second I picked it up, one of them would re-mark their spot. My plan back fired, however, when they just found new places to mark. My theory is that they had to hesitate a little more before finally popping a squat because they had to find a new spot.
2. I have never been so thankful for wood floors. (Referring, of course, to Top Ten #3)
1. At the first circling and slight squatting of a dog, the visual picture of me shooting up out of bed from a dead sleep- or up from the couch to grab the pint size dog and rush him/her with my arms outstretched about 1 foot away from my body outside to do their business. The words being uttered under my breath expressing my annoyance with the little pooping machine.
Drink to me only with thine eyesAnd I will pledge with mine.Or leave a kiss within the cupAnd I'll not ask for wine.The thirst that from the soul doth riseDoth ask a drink divine;But might I of Jove's nectar sip,I would not change for thine.I sent thee late a rosy wreath,Not so much hon'ring theeAs giving it a hope that thereIt could not withered be;But thou thereon did'st only breathe,And sent'st it back to me,Since when it grows and smells, I swearNot of itself, but thee.- Drink to Me Only With Thine Eyes by Johnny Cash_________________________________________________________________
(Troubadour troubadour troubadour)
The troubadour the troubadour sings from his heart
The song that's the hit of the show
Watch him sing and play the strings of his guitar alone in the bright spotlight's glow
The song was for someone he loved so true
Who loved him then left him for someone new
The troubaour the troubadour smile as he sings but his heart is breaking in two
[ guitar ]
They beg for more the troubadour sings once again
The song that's the hit of the show
Watch him sing and play the strings of his guitar alone in the bright spotlight's glow
There is a hush in the darkened hall a few hearts are heavy and teardrops fall
But in the crowd one head is bowed for the troubadour
And oh her heart aches most of all
Troubadour troubadour her heart aches most of all.
Let's reflect for a moment on the concept of genuineness.
I'll paint the picture-
A friend that you happen to work with requests that any response to the question "How are you?" (which is a DUMB question anyway) that varies from good or great be met with a story about what's going on in your life personally.
1. I am trying to maintain a level of professionalism in the workplace. My personal tales, whether yay or nay, are not appropriate to expand upon on the company dime.
2. As my friend, why am I not allowed to say, "I'm just okay today."? You should not try to change my current emotion. As a friend, you should accept me for who I am. Please don't ask me to be fake. I have to be fake with all the other workplace acquaintances.
3. What is really comes down to is that YOU feel uncomfortable by my less-than-par emotion. So really it's a selfish request.
4. What if my emotional state is extremely fragile? By forcing me to open up, you have just instigated a waterfall of tears, sniffling, flushed skin which may or may not be able to be turned off- messing up my makeup, my focus, and my professional demeanor. Thank you for trying to make yourself feel better which has now led to completely outing my personal business to everyone in my workplace.
As my friend, please don't pry into how I'm really doing in my workplace. Save it for a rainy movie night, evening beverage escapade, or tearful phone conversation- outside of work. Some days I am just faking it to make it.
Tossing and turning. Eyes closed. Thoughts spinning. I quietly find myself talking to my self inside my head. "Wish it was tomorrow already, so I didn't have to keep trying to sleep." "I hate that I don't sleep like a babe anymore- dumb adulthood." I look at the clock- "Well helloooo 3AM, remember me? We spent last night together as well. I hope we don't make a habit of these nocturnal rendezvous'. I could do without you... no offense."
I'm dog sitting. Staying in a strange house, in a strange bed. Both are actually quite comfy, but somehow sleep has eluded me. The pup slumbers soundly next to me. He actually snores like an old man. He turns and sighs deeply. The kind of deep sighs my mom always does and the kind of sighs that I have picked up on and do unconsciously as well. I think to myself, "What could possibly cause that dog to sigh so deeply? No job, no drama. His life is eating, playing, sleeping. No swirling thoughts." For a moment, I envy him. And then I remember he gnaws on rawhide and drools. Nope, not the life for me. I suppose it's better to be human.
Guess. Go ahead. Guess what I was doing 10 minutes ago. It's so nuts, you'll never believe it, but the thought of it might make you pee a little bit. But first, the background info:
One of my roomies accidentally spilled a reddish colored spice on the cream colored carpet a few months ago. After an unsuccessful go at cleaning it, we called it a day and threw a rug over it. Turns out, mister landlord man wants to sell the house when our lease is up in 2 short months. So, in order to save us the misery of all the deep cleaning at the end, I have started working on areas of the house that I could care less about cleaning as a normal person- but may actually matter when it comes to getting my dolla' bills back from the security deposit. In the spirit of all this, I swept and scrubbed the basement stairs and walls. Tonight, I decided to peel back that rug and try my hand at the ameba-like stain taunting me from underfoot.
I did all the steps my mother told me to do-
1. Go to Target
2. Buy some Woolite carpet/stain cleaner
3. Read the directions
4. Apply plenty of "homegrown" elbow grease
Well, since it IS a deep set stain, I applied a couple generous spritz's of the cleaner and "gentle" wiped with a damp cloth. The stainage seemed to be lightening, but only because the generous amounts of cleaner were sudsing into a foamy white. As an excuse to wear my brand new rainboots (with a liiiittle red bird!!!), after the rinsing swipes with cold water, I decided I should try sopping up as much of the cleaner and water by stepping on a dry towel on top of the stainage. After doing some jumping (probably similar to a Native American rain dance in a confined space), I decided I could probably be slightly more successful if I was heavier.
:)
This is when I paused in my jumping, and looked at one of my roommates- we exchanged knowing glances, and then started laughing as we assumed the position for a piggyback ride. Here we are, a couple of 26 & 27 year old women, leeched on to one another as I stomp the crap out of the stain in the carpet in my very juvenile (yet awesome) rainboots.
I was suddenly in the right mindset...after all this time.
Today I had a free day. It was fantastic!
Slept in
Sold a book at Half Price Books
Shopped at Party City for Valentine's cheer
Visited with Erin and Brian
Stopped at Target
Made dinner
Watched a movie
Finished my taxes
Emailed
Deleted 2 years worth of pictures off my digital camera
Got ready to pack for my annual vacation- (Naples, Florida this year)
Cleaned my room
Put together fun valentines for my roomies- including chocolate dipped strawberries I did myself *woot woot* & the seasonal tradition of buying them each colorful & wild underwear.
My life is fantastic!
God has surrounded me with many people to love and to cherish.
I am so thankful for this life I've been given.
And I pray that God grows me and uses me for His purposes, whatever they may be and wherever that takes me.
Today I stumbled upon one of my dad’s new cds (unopened of course- it seems he gets the excitement from doing the actual purchasing, but not the listening- which works out well for me). It is from this unlikely source, a well-known Christian musician, that brought much encouragement to my spirit today. His cd is filled with psalms of deep mourning and hurt yet through his pain he shares his hope in a faithful God. That’s exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.
Over the past few months, I reached a point where I was just about to give up on God.
What was the point?
Was it really worth it?
Why do I feel like a one girl revolution?
Screw it all.
My prayers (when I got around to it) kinda sounded like this:
“Dear God, I feel hopeless and confused. Help. Love, Melody”
or..
“Dear God, I know I’m suppose to believe in you no matter what circumstances I’m in, but I’m not sure about all this anymore. Please help, if you have time. Love, Melody”
*
Have you ever reached that point in your Christian life? When you’re just so exhausted in every way that you feel like giving up? But then you realize that to abandon the Walk you’ve put your whole heart and life into would take even MORE energy that you don’t have? And so you get stuck. And you break down and cry a lot. Because you know it’s soaked into the deepest marrow of your being. But you just can’t do it anymore. You’re not really moving forward, but you can’t move back. It’s mind bogglingly frustrating!
*
Church feels pointless. Because the whole time you’re sitting in the cushy chair/rock hard pew and you feel nothing. You hear nothing. You start to sit back and observe all the people going through their motions from an out-of-body perspective. The people, the place, the whole thing looks crazy strange if you do that.
People who call themselves Christians are just people with faith who live with one foot in the world. Day to day life for them is like being a human yoyo. Are they really happy? Do I really wanna be that too? Do I want to play both worlds? And if I’m honest, I don’t- but I feel stuck- so I just break down and cry. Because I know I need to move forward, but I’m not strong enough to pick myself up and do it.
It feels like a dreamlike state. I’m just floating along… turning off the alarm at 4:50AM and beginning another day. Might as well, can’t sleep anyway. All I wanna do is curl up and sleep because that’ll stop the spiral of thoughts…but I can’t even sleep every day. Deep sleep only happens every other day. And so I look forward to those days.
My phone would ring sometimes. Do I have motivation to answer the phone call right now? Sometimes I did; sometimes I didn’t. Do I wanna talk to someone? Yes- But No at the same time. It only made me sound like a directionless, confused person which I was keenly aware of already. Why drum all the thoughts and confusion up with another friend? I didn’t have any answers to my questions.
Life was too hard and I just couldn’t fight for it anymore. Even in the midst of it, I knew it was Satan trying to drag me down. I’d try to tell myself, “Well Melody, if things are so difficult right now and you really feel like Satan’s working overtime in the discouragement department- maybe you’re doing something right? Satan doesn’t waste his time on complacent Christians.” Even though I’d want to give up, God kept sending me internal reminders like these & Scripture verses.
*
A turning point. I finally commissioned a lot of people to start praying, and slowly things got better. And by “better” I mean the wind of hope got caught in my sails again. Still don’t have many answers. Took a little visit to Minneapolis to see my friends, and I was reminded that people who care about God DO exist. Katie’s words came back to me, “Mel, no fleeting worldly pleasure is worth losing the presence of God in your life.”
Another friend shared some thoughts from her morning sermon, “Be the kind of Christian that is living your life so brilliantly for Christ that you stand out and SHINE. That way, when Christ returns He doesn’t have to squint through the grime of the world to find you because you’re shining so brightly He recognizes you immediately. He can reach down and pick you up and out.” Even though it’s difficult and you may feel alone at some or many points during the Walk. (Thanks, Cyndy :-) I need to be a Christian like the 12 Disciples who were a part of the Society of the Unashamed.
Also- Psalm 25 & 26 & 27... a good read.
*
And then the numbness melted away, and I cried again. Because I knew deep in my soul that was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I had to be that woman. That’s why God put me here.
*
So I went back home to Wisconsin and was surprised by a note in the mail from a dear friend. The note was started in November and finally mailed to me in January. It was filled with God’s wise truths to me. His words. Key words like: WISDOM, TEMPTATION, PERSEVERANCE with a whole lotta Scripture.
And I’m so thankful it was mailed in January, after my numbness melted away.
*
And thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for writing these lyrics from your heart:
I am broken, I am bleeding/ I’m scared and I’m confused/ But You are faithful, yet, You are faithful/ I am weary in believing/ God please help my unbelief/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I’ll sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ You are faithful, You are faithful/ When You give and when You take away/ Even then still Your name is faithful/ You are faithful/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You are faithful/ I am waiting for the rescue/ That I know is sure to come/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ And I’ve dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on/ ‘Cause You are faithful, God, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I will sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ When I cannot have the answer/ That I’m wanting to demand/ I’ll remember you are God/ And everything is in Your hands/ With your hands You put the sun and moon and stars up in the sky/ For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on the cross to die/ And You are faithful/ Yes, You are faithful/ When you give, when you take away even then/ Great is Your faithfulness/ Great is Your faithfulness/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You’re faithful
