Saturday, February 16, 2013
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I'll paint the picture-
A friend that you happen to work with requests that any response to the question "How are you?" (which is a DUMB question anyway) that varies from good or great be met with a story about what's going on in your life personally.
1. I am trying to maintain a level of professionalism in the workplace. My personal tales, whether yay or nay, are not appropriate to expand upon on the company dime.
2. As my friend, why am I not allowed to say, "I'm just okay today."? You should not try to change my current emotion. As a friend, you should accept me for who I am. Please don't ask me to be fake. I have to be fake with all the other workplace acquaintances.
3. What is really comes down to is that YOU feel uncomfortable by my less-than-par emotion. So really it's a selfish request.
4. What if my emotional state is extremely fragile? By forcing me to open up, you have just instigated a waterfall of tears, sniffling, flushed skin which may or may not be able to be turned off- messing up my makeup, my focus, and my professional demeanor. Thank you for trying to make yourself feel better which has now led to completely outing my personal business to everyone in my workplace.
As my friend, please don't pry into how I'm really doing in my workplace. Save it for a rainy movie night, evening beverage escapade, or tearful phone conversation- outside of work. Some days I am just faking it to make it.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
One of my roomies accidentally spilled a reddish colored spice on the cream colored carpet a few months ago. After an unsuccessful go at cleaning it, we called it a day and threw a rug over it. Turns out, mister landlord man wants to sell the house when our lease is up in 2 short months. So, in order to save us the misery of all the deep cleaning at the end, I have started working on areas of the house that I could care less about cleaning as a normal person- but may actually matter when it comes to getting my dolla' bills back from the security deposit. In the spirit of all this, I swept and scrubbed the basement stairs and walls. Tonight, I decided to peel back that rug and try my hand at the ameba-like stain taunting me from underfoot.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Today I stumbled upon one of my dad’s new cds (unopened of course- it seems he gets the excitement from doing the actual purchasing, but not the listening- which works out well for me). It is from this unlikely source, a well-known Christian musician, that brought much encouragement to my spirit today. His cd is filled with psalms of deep mourning and hurt yet through his pain he shares his hope in a faithful God. That’s exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.
Over the past few months, I reached a point where I was just about to give up on God.
What was the point?
Was it really worth it?
Why do I feel like a one girl revolution?
Screw it all.
My prayers (when I got around to it) kinda sounded like this:
“Dear God, I feel hopeless and confused. Help. Love, Melody”
“Dear God, I know I’m suppose to believe in you no matter what circumstances I’m in, but I’m not sure about all this anymore. Please help, if you have time. Love, Melody”
Have you ever reached that point in your Christian life? When you’re just so exhausted in every way that you feel like giving up? But then you realize that to abandon the Walk you’ve put your whole heart and life into would take even MORE energy that you don’t have? And so you get stuck. And you break down and cry a lot. Because you know it’s soaked into the deepest marrow of your being. But you just can’t do it anymore. You’re not really moving forward, but you can’t move back. It’s mind bogglingly frustrating!
Church feels pointless. Because the whole time you’re sitting in the cushy chair/rock hard pew and you feel nothing. You hear nothing. You start to sit back and observe all the people going through their motions from an out-of-body perspective. The people, the place, the whole thing looks crazy strange if you do that.
People who call themselves Christians are just people with faith who live with one foot in the world. Day to day life for them is like being a human yoyo. Are they really happy? Do I really wanna be that too? Do I want to play both worlds? And if I’m honest, I don’t- but I feel stuck- so I just break down and cry. Because I know I need to move forward, but I’m not strong enough to pick myself up and do it.
It feels like a dreamlike state. I’m just floating along… turning off the alarm at and beginning another day. Might as well, can’t sleep anyway. All I wanna do is curl up and sleep because that’ll stop the spiral of thoughts…but I can’t even sleep every day. Deep sleep only happens every other day. And so I look forward to those days.
My phone would ring sometimes. Do I have motivation to answer the phone call right now? Sometimes I did; sometimes I didn’t. Do I wanna talk to someone? Yes- But No at the same time. It only made me sound like a directionless, confused person which I was keenly aware of already. Why drum all the thoughts and confusion up with another friend? I didn’t have any answers to my questions.
Life was too hard and I just couldn’t fight for it anymore. Even in the midst of it, I knew it was Satan trying to drag me down. I’d try to tell myself, “Well Melody, if things are so difficult right now and you really feel like Satan’s working overtime in the discouragement department- maybe you’re doing something right? Satan doesn’t waste his time on complacent Christians.” Even though I’d want to give up, God kept sending me internal reminders like these & Scripture verses.
A turning point. I finally commissioned a lot of people to start praying, and slowly things got better. And by “better” I mean the wind of hope got caught in my sails again. Still don’t have many answers. Took a little visit to
Another friend shared some thoughts from her morning sermon, “Be the kind of Christian that is living your life so brilliantly for Christ that you stand out and SHINE. That way, when Christ returns He doesn’t have to squint through the grime of the world to find you because you’re shining so brightly He recognizes you immediately. He can reach down and pick you up and out.” Even though it’s difficult and you may feel alone at some or many points during the Walk. (Thanks, Cyndy :-) I need to be a Christian like the 12 Disciples who were a part of the Society of the Unashamed.
Also- Psalm 25 & 26 & 27... a good read.
And then the numbness melted away, and I cried again. Because I knew deep in my soul that was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I had to be that woman. That’s why God put me here.
So I went back home to
And I’m so thankful it was mailed in January, after my numbness melted away.
And thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for writing these lyrics from your heart:
I am broken, I am bleeding/ I’m scared and I’m confused/ But You are faithful, yet, You are faithful/ I am weary in believing/ God please help my unbelief/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I’ll sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ You are faithful, You are faithful/ When You give and when You take away/ Even then still Your name is faithful/ You are faithful/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You are faithful/ I am waiting for the rescue/ That I know is sure to come/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ And I’ve dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on/ ‘Cause You are faithful, God, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I will sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ When I cannot have the answer/ That I’m wanting to demand/ I’ll remember you are God/ And everything is in Your hands/ With your hands You put the sun and moon and stars up in the sky/ For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on the cross to die/ And You are faithful/ Yes, You are faithful/ When you give, when you take away even then/ Great is Your faithfulness/ Great is Your faithfulness/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You’re faithful