i almost gave up

---fresh start---

*deep sigh*

Today I stumbled upon one of my dad’s new cds (unopened of course- it seems he gets the excitement from doing the actual purchasing, but not the listening- which works out well for me). It is from this unlikely source, a well-known Christian musician, that brought much encouragement to my spirit today. His cd is filled with psalms of deep mourning and hurt yet through his pain he shares his hope in a faithful God. That’s exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.

Over the past few months, I reached a point where I was just about to give up on God.

What was the point?

Was it really worth it?

Why do I feel like a one girl revolution?

Screw it all.

My prayers (when I got around to it) kinda sounded like this:

“Dear God, I feel hopeless and confused. Help. Love, Melody”

or..

“Dear God, I know I’m suppose to believe in you no matter what circumstances I’m in, but I’m not sure about all this anymore. Please help, if you have time. Love, Melody”

*

Have you ever reached that point in your Christian life? When you’re just so exhausted in every way that you feel like giving up? But then you realize that to abandon the Walk you’ve put your whole heart and life into would take even MORE energy that you don’t have? And so you get stuck. And you break down and cry a lot. Because you know it’s soaked into the deepest marrow of your being. But you just can’t do it anymore. You’re not really moving forward, but you can’t move back. It’s mind bogglingly frustrating!

*

Church feels pointless. Because the whole time you’re sitting in the cushy chair/rock hard pew and you feel nothing. You hear nothing. You start to sit back and observe all the people going through their motions from an out-of-body perspective. The people, the place, the whole thing looks crazy strange if you do that.

People who call themselves Christians are just people with faith who live with one foot in the world. Day to day life for them is like being a human yoyo. Are they really happy? Do I really wanna be that too? Do I want to play both worlds? And if I’m honest, I don’t- but I feel stuck- so I just break down and cry. Because I know I need to move forward, but I’m not strong enough to pick myself up and do it.

It feels like a dreamlike state. I’m just floating along… turning off the alarm at 4:50AM and beginning another day. Might as well, can’t sleep anyway. All I wanna do is curl up and sleep because that’ll stop the spiral of thoughts…but I can’t even sleep every day. Deep sleep only happens every other day. And so I look forward to those days.

My phone would ring sometimes. Do I have motivation to answer the phone call right now? Sometimes I did; sometimes I didn’t. Do I wanna talk to someone? Yes- But No at the same time. It only made me sound like a directionless, confused person which I was keenly aware of already. Why drum all the thoughts and confusion up with another friend? I didn’t have any answers to my questions.

Life was too hard and I just couldn’t fight for it anymore. Even in the midst of it, I knew it was Satan trying to drag me down. I’d try to tell myself, “Well Melody, if things are so difficult right now and you really feel like Satan’s working overtime in the discouragement department- maybe you’re doing something right? Satan doesn’t waste his time on complacent Christians.” Even though I’d want to give up, God kept sending me internal reminders like these & Scripture verses.

*

A turning point. I finally commissioned a lot of people to start praying, and slowly things got better. And by “better” I mean the wind of hope got caught in my sails again. Still don’t have many answers. Took a little visit to Minneapolis to see my friends, and I was reminded that people who care about God DO exist. Katie’s words came back to me, “Mel, no fleeting worldly pleasure is worth losing the presence of God in your life.”

Another friend shared some thoughts from her morning sermon, “Be the kind of Christian that is living your life so brilliantly for Christ that you stand out and SHINE. That way, when Christ returns He doesn’t have to squint through the grime of the world to find you because you’re shining so brightly He recognizes you immediately. He can reach down and pick you up and out.” Even though it’s difficult and you may feel alone at some or many points during the Walk. (Thanks, Cyndy :-) I need to be a Christian like the 12 Disciples who were a part of the Society of the Unashamed.

Also- Psalm 25 & 26 & 27... a good read.

*

And then the numbness melted away, and I cried again. Because I knew deep in my soul that was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I had to be that woman. That’s why God put me here.

*

So I went back home to Wisconsin and was surprised by a note in the mail from a dear friend. The note was started in November and finally mailed to me in January. It was filled with God’s wise truths to me. His words. Key words like: WISDOM, TEMPTATION, PERSEVERANCE with a whole lotta Scripture.

And I’m so thankful it was mailed in January, after my numbness melted away.

*

And thank you Steven Curtis Chapman for writing these lyrics from your heart:

I am broken, I am bleeding/ I’m scared and I’m confused/ But You are faithful, yet, You are faithful/ I am weary in believing/ God please help my unbelief/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I’ll sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ You are faithful, You are faithful/ When You give and when You take away/ Even then still Your name is faithful/ You are faithful/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You are faithful/ I am waiting for the rescue/ That I know is sure to come/ ‘Cause You are faithful, yes, You are faithful/ And I’ve dropped anchor in Your promises and I am holding on/ ‘Cause You are faithful, God, You are faithful/ I will proclaim it to the world/ I will declare it to my heart/ I will sing it when the sun is shining/ I will scream it in the dark/ When I cannot have the answer/ That I’m wanting to demand/ I’ll remember you are God/ And everything is in Your hands/ With your hands You put the sun and moon and stars up in the sky/ For the sake of love You hung Your own Son on the cross to die/ And You are faithful/ Yes, You are faithful/ When you give, when you take away even then/ Great is Your faithfulness/ Great is Your faithfulness/ And with everything inside of me/ I am choosing to believe/ You’re faithful