contradiction description

I bite my lip knowing this may come across to some of you as the embodiment of everything confusing that women are made up of... but I write on in spite of the possible criticism.

You know how women criticize men because glimpses of chivalry are just unheard of these days? Even I have been in this particular camp many times.

....Like when I'm walking into the post office and the man two steps in front of me just lets the door slam in my face- as if I were an invisible person. However, I like to give people a little room for grace.

(I learned this from my wonderful former roommate Erin who always seemed to serve up the positive side of any "injustice" I was dealt from one of the "beautiful people". Which did seem put to the extreme sometimes...)

For example, now, instead of thinking "What a jerk head!" immediately; I quietly remind myself that perhaps he didn't realize I was so close behind, and he will hold the second door for me. Then, after experiencing a SECOND slam in the face, I can then proceed to the initial "What a jerk head!" reaction that was held back.

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I want chivalry. I want the door held for me. I want to go first in the food line. I don't mind the occasional opening of my car door on a date. I like it when someone toasts me a bagel for breakfast and starts my car to warm it up. These are acceptable chivalrous acts.

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Yet, I don't want chivalry. That is, I don't want chivalry when there are hidden motives and intentions behind the act. <--More on that a few lines down) The one that bristles the hairs on my head is when someone offers to carry stuff for me. Maybe it's because I'm use to carrying heavyloads like a horse. I like the challenge of getting everything to and from the car in one trip no matter how ridiculous I look.

...But back to the hidden motives thing.

Offer to help me with my bags so you can ask for my number. Not so much. AND YET, THAT is a contradiction as well!!! Because I DO want men to be more intentional about pursuing a woman. Enough of the pansy, scared-to-get-your-ego-shotdown inaction. I guess maybe, I want the RIGHT man to do the PERFECT thing at the PERFECT time.

Is that too much to ask?!

*sigh*

*

Alright, I know it is an impossible demand & so maybe I just need to unclench my jaw and let the dude carry my stuff and have the awkward moment of refusing to give my digits away and maybe a "I give you points for trying. No one does that anymore" exchange of appreciation.